Hey Fashion Blogs! Are you an emotionally stunted man? Because it would seem that I love to love you, but simultaneously hate you for your total inconsideration of my needs.
Listen, I love the outfit collages you match-up, and the colour stories that go along with it. What do you mean I can find a Chloe knock-off in that $39.95 H&M sweater! What a doll! You are porn to my socially constructed uterus, formed the day I put my first full skirt on my Barbie doll. At times, you’re totally right! Red blood lipstick is a total staple in a demure all-black outfit. You have access to my dream closets, and all my girl-crushes. You’re going to review what Solange Knowles and Olivia Palermo were wearing this? Okay! Hold on, let me just grab the ice cream from the fridge, take this stupid pants off, and okay… okay, in bed – I am ready for you Fashion Blog. Take me now.
And yet. You enrage me. Are you stupid or something? Why can’t you understand that I cannot wear those six-inch stilettos to my retail job, at the flagship commercial store I work in, wherein I spend the day running up and down three floors? I am twenty-three, Fashion Blog, and I don’t Fashion Blog, so when am I going to wear this hot pink pantsuit, that you’ve made look so fabulous? And maybe, I could find a way, in the summer, you know – I’ve been known to rock a hi-low, asymmetrical black sheer skirt, (with hot pants attached for utility purposes) – in the summer.
But you dear, Fashion Blog – seem to be primarily located in an exotic city where snow remains exclusive to the imminent conclusion of Game of Thrones. I, dear Fashion Blog, LIVE IN CANADA. Do you know what this means? This means, that your “tips on how to keep warm and chic this winter” are fucking useless. No, I cannot keep warm and chic by sporting a “cozy knit-sweater” and my high-waisted denim shorts. No, I cannot look into your cute boot collection, because ice freezes over here, faster than you tweet your season staples, and I need something sensible. No, I cannot “warm-up” this winter with that light, trench coat – are you kidding me? Have you ever seen a polar bear where a trench coat? Idiot.
And what’s the use in your jewelry section! Except to have me drool over these hoop earrings with the tiny diamond detail. I presumably have both a thick scarf, knit tuque, and parka hood over my head. Those are three things these gorgeous earrings can (yes, based on real-life experience, so will) get hooked on.
You are supposed to help me look cute Fashion Blog , potentially sexy even, with this baby face of mine. Have you any idea how unsexy it feels to strut (no, run – because strutting always turning into running in Montreal winter, I guarantee) through the cold, and snow, and grim day, in my oversized parka, and clunky winter boots? Help me, Fashion Blog! Don’t just stand there and mock me, and show me trends found in Hollywood stars roaming the sunny streets of L.A. Make this winter cute, Fashion blog! I am wearing four layers and sweating. Help.
Yours, bitterly, admirally, and resentfully – Sruti I.
Picture from Jak and Jil